I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
