I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
