Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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