The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
