Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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