i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize