Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
