I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
