ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
