i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
