i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
