I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
