1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
me + whiskey = a bad person
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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