Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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