She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
