my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
