I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
