I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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