you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
