You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
