she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I stole a fireplace last night.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
