well I can't set my house on fire every night
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
