why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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