I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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