yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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