so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
