The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
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Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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