i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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