I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
