so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
