we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
