how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
