if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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