Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
