too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
