just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
