I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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