my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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