Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
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No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
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I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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