i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
