Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
