I wish you could order shots online.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
bring money and cleavage
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
