I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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