wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
