I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
