I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
