Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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