im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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