First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
