Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
