I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
