good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Randomize
