it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
