Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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