someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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