Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
