Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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