good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
